Communication Tips for Couples in Recovery

If you have found yourself in a troubled relationship, there is a very good chance that one of you grew up with parents who argued and fought often. Your household may have been filled with the sounds of angry voices, raised in an attempt to be heard or to simply drown out the other person. This means you had no positive role models for how to treat your partner, or what effective communication looks or sounds like. Therefore, you find yourself flailing, hoping things will get better with your partner, all the while not really knowing what you can do. Although this is certainly not the case in every troubled relationship, there are decades worth of quantifiable research that show just how much of an influence the relational behaviors we grew up with affect how we handle our own adult relationships.

The key to a healthy relationship, hands down, is good and respectful communication. If you are currently working toward mending your relationship, here are some communication tips that will help the two of you grow closer:

Give Each Other Your FULL Attention

We live in the age of technology, which means most of us tend to have our heads buried in our phones just about 24/7. This hinders good communication.

When you are speaking with one another, make sure to give your full attention to what the other person is saying. Turn the TV off, put the phone down, and make eye contact. If you’ve ever tried to have a serious conversation with someone who keeps checking their phone every few minutes, you know how frustrating that can be…not to mention how insignificant it makes you feel. If both of you aren’t fully present and attentive, you’re just wasting each other’s time.

Take Responsibility

There are those relationships that suffer because one person has been unfaithful. But oftentimes, a broken relationship is the result of two broken people. Take responsibility for your part in the trouble. Admit to your mistakes and truly commit to trying harder. The key here is that we are all imperfect and we all make mistakes. We each have to own our part and be willing to acknowledge areas where we can improve.

Don’t Interrupt

It’s not easy to hear someone say negative things about your behavior; but, resist the urge to cut off your partner when they are saying something you don’t like or agree with. Hear him or her out, let them know that you hear and understand what they are saying, and then calmly offer your side. Giving each other the time and space to verbalize feelings shows respect and adds a high degree of value to the relationship.

Don’t Raise Your Voice

Yelling and shouting are not forms of effective communication. Do your best to refrain from raising your voice at all. It may sound too simplistic, but it really does help to stop and take a slow, deep breath when you feel your anger rising. If you feel that you’re getting angry, take a time out from the conversation and cool down before continuing.

Listen

When your partner is talking, you should be hearing every word they say, not thinking about how you are going to respond. Many people are bad listeners because they are only listening to respond. So, instead of truly hearing you, they are just planning out their defensive response. Listening is a skill you will have to develop over time, but why not start now?

If you follow these communication tips you’ll have a much better chance of reconnecting with your partner and making things work. If you’d like to find a coach that can guide you in your recovery, please reach out to me. I would be happy to talk with you about how I may be able to help.

Much Love,

Angie